Catch me as I fall
by yume girl 91
Summary: Chizuru despairs of ever attaining Hijikata's love, a half-hearted attempt at kindness on Saito's part leads to a night of mistakes for the girl, the next morning both must face a jealous Hijikata. SaitoxChizuruxHijikata slight AU


"Yukimura...you are drunk."

The stale scent wafted off the girl's dangerously close lips. His statement she seemed to disregard, pressing ever close- closer, attempting to insinuate her body. To achieve distance, he pulled back, only to have her grab fistfuls of his sleeping yukata, dragging them low off his shoulders. Dismayed at her tenacity, Hajime calmly ordered her with mild threat looming. "Let go, Yukimura. The night's revelries have gotten to-"

"Am I not good enough for you?" Her words though slurred, spoken from beneath a fringe of black bangs were unmistakable. Hajime froze at the accusation, thinking of how she had tried so hard to gain Hijikata's attention - often failing. Though he respected Toshizo, it was..._disturbing_ in another manner to be witness whenever the girl and the Lieutenant. Try as he may to curb other thoughts, Hajime could not completely turn a blind eye - remain unfeeling with such an entreaty. "You mistake me for another." He remarked coolly, keeping up the facade of aloofness. Surely that was what it had to be. The girl in her inebriated state was obviously tricked into believing - confessing something he had no desire to hear. Again, he grabbed at her wandering hands, clasping her lightly yet forcefully above the wrists and proceeded to pull her in the direction of the door.

With each step, he was made uncomfortably aware of the disarray of his attire, of Yukimura's alcohol-scented breath too close, fanning over his skin - or was it simply imagination? That, contemplation he simply forced out of mind, leading the swaying girl the last feet only for her to stumble- reflexively, he stepped quickly around, catching her before she could go down.

Though instinctive it had only served to bring them closer than ever before. Yukimura's hands freed of confinement, trailed up over his shoulders to slip upward into loose mane, leaning heavily into his chest. "So soft..." she mumbled, not unaware of the reaction she was causing. The urge to lean into a touch that was strangely...soothing, became more difficult to curb. His heart rate increased, a slight difficulty breathing seemed a direct consequence of the girl trying to force herself on him.

Hajime didn't bother questioning himself on why - why it proved very difficult to resist Yukimura's clumsy caresses. Why her fingers idly trailing through his hair ceased to be something undesirable. Before it grew too far, he endeavored to put one final stop to it. Beginning in a low, cold tone. "Yukimura, stop this at once. You do not...want me."

_Your eyes follow Toshizo._

_Follow his path._

_Not mine_.

When she stopped, head bowed, pillowed against his chest; Hajime clamped down with rigid control of anything he might've felt at that moment. Heavier in spirit now, he went on rougher, "you will regret _this_." That he could be sure of. Whatever had fueled the desperate woman - the way he reacted to her, she was no longer a _girl_; it was out of some inborn desire for Toshizo.

Therefore he was surprised by the tenacity present in her wobbling voice.

"Wha-what if..I don't..?"

Inwardly he sighed as her head lifted, watering brown eyes stared boldly into his indigo.

"Silly girl." and chuckled a few notes of amusement. He had not thought that would begin the tears. Catching sight of the shimmering droplets rolling down Yukimura's flushed cheeks, Hajime felt guilt stab, something he associated as weakness soften the interior of his being. Though the silence was broken by a few caught- sobs, he listened intently to the outer-lying silence, perceiving that none but they were awake near the encapsulated four walls.

Once that was noted, he very carefully lowered his face to hers, aware of the consequences - was this betrayal of Hijikata? It did not feel like it. Yukimura did not belong to Hijikata no more than she belonged to he, Saito Hajime alone. Hajime lightly brushed his lips across hers, a taste of salt bitter sweet. Yukimura's tears ceased, her slight fumble to eagerly meet the response, evocative of her untried youth.

Even the most stoic of the Shinsengumi couldn't deny there was something about the small girl - something as definable as kindness - the moist lips and fumbling hands stopped his thoughts for the second time that evening. Something was stirring inside, a feeling that remained dangerous if allowed to grow. He endeavored to cut himself off it, breaking for a moment from Yukimura's ardent touch.

"I'm sorry." He decked her neatly, the edge of his hand colliding with the back of her neck. Hajime was secretly glad when sluggish lids fell over glazed dark brown orbs. It had been disturbing to see the emotion reflected in her eyes and know that even for a brief moment he had felt the same.

The night seemed long, arranging the now- limp girl comfortable.

For the remainder of the night until light spread rosy fingers across the sky; he sat across from her, leaning against the wall, meditating when sleep refused to come.

...

Hijikata Toshizo had not slept well. It could be said, he had plenty on his mind, heretofore strategies to contemplate. That happened to be the least of it. Traitorous his thoughts continued to be long after the evening lamps had been turned low and the HQ had quieted down for the night.

The scenes came replaying - over and over.

Yukimura pouring Sake from a tiny jug. Pale liquid splashing into a cup held by long thin artist's fingers. Saito Hajime was on the receiving end, quieter than the rest, he acknowledged the perfect server with a hint of a smile. Rare for the man. Yukimura didn't miss it and blushed delicately.

Out of the several men gathered in the room, Toshizo knew he was the only one who _noticed_.

Much later, after the server had tasted the alcohol - much to everyone's surprise. Yukimura loosened up, no perhaps that was not the word. She was the same light form refilling cups, smiling and laughing at banter. It wasn't long before the drinking game had caught up to a few members, Heisuke had fainted clear away and was snoring off in the corner.

For watching her during the course of the evening, he counted at least five cups imbibed.

Sharp-eyed, he caught her linger in an exchange of cups. Yukimura's tiny fingers had rested feather- light, Toshizo imagined they would be, as frail as a bird's wing, against Saito's. The violet-haired male hadn't seemed to be aware of it, probably dismissing it as an innocent gesture.

He assumed otherwise, glimpsing other signs that he did not _like_.

No one noticed his hand shake, fingers clenching the rim of the delicate cup. For that he was grateful; Souji could be merciless in teasing if fodder was given. In time, Yukimura made a circuitous route to him, the absolute last. Toshizo felt the inner sting however slight it was, polite as a test, setting his cup down in the square frame of the tray. Yukimura made the same motions as before preparing to lift the slender neck of the jug, Toshizo at the last moment, reached forward deliberately, brushing her fingers - pretending to change his mind about replenishment.

Yukimura unpredictably, jerked away as if burned.

"Gomennaisai!"

"It's nothing." He said dismissively to her distraught expression over the spilt liquid.

"But-"

"_Go_. Yukimura." Sending her from the relative shadow of his own presence bothered the Shinsengumi Lieutenant more than he would've ever admitted even to himself. Seeing the small girl brighten visibly and settle at Souji's side - felt sharp like a wound. Not for the first time, Toshizo observed them detachedly and wondered if it was...the demon of all emotions.

_Jealousy_.

And if it was...what did it mean?

That he was rendered to silent unaccountable fury when the men in close quarters to Yukimura let slip comments that made the girl blush or giggle helplessly? That he was driven to brooding silences when seeing her carrying out some menial task in the company of anyone but _him?_ Even if he knew his very presence frightened her in some indefinable way?

That he felt _lonely_?

Not many could understand his mind. At times like these, Toshizo didn't understand _him_self and the fascination he felt directed toward Yukimura Chizuru. There was part of him that longed to dismiss the girl from mind and by proxy heart if only the undesirable piece were something a blade could cut free. Knowing as he did, continuously the when - not if, Koudo-san would be found, Chizuru would go back to her Edo home none the least changed from her months spent in the company of the Shinsengumi.

He knew he was no wiser for having acknowledged that simple truth.

No happier when a negative is sent that however late the morning period is, Yukimura is not in her room. The thought briefly crossed Toshizo's mind that the girl had simply slipped away from the compound, evading the guards and their sleep like a shadow. But it was all fanciful conjecture - Toshizo hoped but wouldn't speak it, he was sure she wouldn't have run away.

A few more murmurs, footsteps as the compound comes awake. Toshizo knew he'd be looked at strangely were he to partake in the search for Yukimura, so he thought of doing the only thing innocuous enough to not be construed as partiality toward the girl. He went to the quarters of the last officer whom he hadn't seen nor heard this morning.

A light rap on the panel would've sufficed for Saito Hajime was often prone to meditation or observance of Haiku books in solitude. He did not expect to hear the rustle of movement and -

"Yukimura, dawn has come. You must-"

He slid the door back and found Hajime kneeling beside the missing girl whom was barely awakening.

...

They were all assembled.

Yukimura was told to wait on the engawa, a stone's throw from where he sat in the middle surrounded in the rough square of Shinsengumi officers. Hijikata was directly in front. Hajime did not glance at_ his_ empty seat to the immediate left.

"Nothing happened." He pronounced flatly. There was nothing he would fully admit to, honor having been kept and the girl being untouched. No one else knew this but he alone - even if Yukimura herself were to enter and speak of Hajime's lapse of judgment, he would simply explain it as necessary for rendering her unconscious.

A slap in the wrist it was not worthy of. Therefore he did not fully understand Hijikata's piercing stare.

"Was that it, you swear?"

Hajime peered at his commander from under a sheaf of dark violet fringe, a slight frown resting complacently on his mouth. "Yes." and held the other's eyes. His frown deepened subtly when Hijikata's look remained frosted.

"I see." and gestured for him to rise and take his seat beside Souji. Hajime did with spare grace, falling motionless, aware of the one beside him stifling a grin and amusement like a cat. Souji's green eyes darted around the surroundings, absorbing Heisuke's reddened face, Harada's intent somewhat concerned look, Shinpachi's nervous scowl and lingered most prominently as though only he understood the silent joke. On Hijikata himself.

"Yukimura, enter."

Hajime as accustomed, tilted his chin at a slight angle, watching the door slide open from the corner of his eye, the sunlit morning streamed in and Yukimura's bent shadow appeared. Timid her manner remained, constantly afraid of causing offense, he did sense Hijikata's perceptible anger. The girl had been given barely enough time to tidy her attire - but her ribbon was missing, the small detail made a difference in appearance with her shoulder-length black mane framing her heart-shaped face.

It was clear to all how very prevalent her fear was.

"Do you know why you were called here?"

"N-no-I - I mean yes, sir." Yukimura began tremulously, she nibbled at the corner of her lip, an action that captured Hajime's attention no matter the incipiency of it. Sensing Souji glance to him, he dragged his gaze from Yukimura and focused on the play of light in the open air room.

A few questions.

Hajime forced himself to drift into a no-mindedness state, unwilling to give into the inclination as irrational it was, to study the kneeling girl only a few feet away. All the while Hijikata's scowl had been growing - until the last question came.

"Then, Saito Hajime did not _harm _you in any way?"

At the mention of his name, he gradually returned his attention to his fellow officers and Yukimura's bowed head. Her cheeks had flushed a heated rose color, heavy strands of hair had fallen forward and minute tremors rocked the loose fists she pressed to the rough tatami mat she knelt on.

The accusation was incredulous to say the least.

"No."

"Are you sure?" Hijikata probed, sapphire eyes cold on the girl, hard enough to make her pale and fixate her gaze on the floor again. "You remain _untouched_?"

At that she flushed an even darker crimson. Hajime understood the nature of the question and couldn't help but lift a slight brow in his superior's direction. _That, Hijikata would go so far as to question the girl's virtue in front of them all was_ ...

"Now, isn't this a bit much, Toshi? Do we really need to know if Chizuru-chan is a virgin?" Souji muttered loudly, just enough to prod his favorite object of teasing, but enough for anyone to see clearly how much amusement he derived from the small diversion playing out. Green eyes caught his eye and a slight grin like a cat's flickered.

Hijikata scowled at the interruption, raising his hand to silence the fellow Lieutenant. "Answer, Yukimura." not unkindly. With a hint of sternness and command. All which furthered the girl to lower her face to the floor, strain obvious in her small form.

"I.."

"Speak up."

"I..."

"Why won't you answer?"

Tension thickened the atmosphere. Hijikata pushed on relentlessly. "Speak, Yukimura-" something akin to barely restrained anger in his face.

"I don't..."

"Are you hiding something? Is that it?"

Hajime glimpsed the small shoulders flinch and guessed at the surface level of emotion going through the sensitive girl. His lips parted at the same time as Yukimura raised her head. _Such humiliation_.

"That's enough, Hijikata-"

"I don't remember!" Yukimura finally snapped, tears glimmering in her eyes. Hijikata seemed taken aback by her rebuttal and momentarily a look of clouded remorse flickered in sapphire blue. Too late he realized the impact of his actions and attempted to call her back as Yukimura clumsily rose and turned, stumbling from the room - _without dismissal_.

"Yukimura, stop! You don't -" The vice-commander faltered when she raced out, black hair streaming behind her in a cloud. Souji watched the proceedings with a slight shake of his auburn head. "What is wrong with you, Toshi? By kami...you act as if Chizuru-chan belongs to you."

And in effect, Souji's words were a perfect mirror for Hajime's exact thought at that moment.

They were dismissed.

Hijikata did not apologize - for that wasn't something a superior did nor amend judgment for dishonoring a comrade's integrity. Hajime stayed silent, unwilling to speak more on the matter which occupied a greater part of his thoughts than sanity decreed.

He did not think it rational nor entirely healthy to admire the picture Yukimura made with unbound hair effecting a hint of hidden feminine delicacy. The girl he did not see, for some time that day, passing patrol for once unaccompanied. Upon return from uneventful hours, he came upon her sweeping the interior engawa.

Then and only then, did he pause, unnoticed in this moment, and observe the girl move with tiny hesitant motions, pushing a straw broom across the wooden planking.

It was almost soothing in a way Hajime couldn't even begin to describe. Somewhere, Yukimura had found another ribbon and wore her hair for the illusion of a boy. His eyes noted that detail and then in abrupt shift, dropped to her pursed lips. Time would only come all too soon when the large liquid brown eyes would lift and catch sight of him. Hajime pushed the warning off that the thought came with.

Yukimura's lips remained pink from her constant worrying - catching them between her dainty white teeth. It did something queer to his insides...a fluttering? Hajime likened it to the brush of a many-winged bird trapped in a wire cage. _Was Yukimura the cause-?_ Unused to the sensation, the sudden rush of nervousness he felt when she did become aware of his presence only served to heighten his confusion.

Hajime met Yukimura's startled gaze solidly, and gave her curt nod of greeting before abruptly turning heel and striding purposefully - pretension chose to act as though a matter of importance lay in another area of the HQ compound rather than face the simple fact that he, a grown man felt shy in the girl's presence.

...

"Everything okay?" Souji caught him in the hallway after making a brief report to Toshizo. It went without saying that the violet-haired male bore traces of sleeplessness in the waxy pallor of his skin and faint darkness under narrowed blue eyes. That foretold of _something else_. Souji's grin widened slightly, "just between us...you know."

Hajime glanced at him, waiting, a slight note of apprehension tensing the smaller male.

"Did you get _any_?" He finished quite bluntly.

The Captain of Third's sudden glower clearly spoke of where he wished Souji would disappear to, including the ominous drop of temperature in the atmosphere. Said man's grin didn't waver as Hajime swept gracefully down the length of hallway. He watched his friend go, calculatingly hearing a few thuds and soft curses from a sliding panel several down. It appeared that it wasn't only Hajime whom needed to be walked on eggshells around. _Little Toshi was still pushed out of joint_ from the morning's proceedings. Souji wished he'd been there and not slaving away in the kitchen waiting for Hajime to show up.

_Toshi's expression would've been priceless_.

Let alone that, Hajime-kun's evasiveness denoted that something indeed had gone down. Chizuru-chan's non-recollection made things all the more interesting - speaking of which, he decided it was time to check up on his favorite brunette and maybe suggest a remedy to the migraine she was most likely enduring.

...

She knew it and despaired.

_Saito-san despised her_.

Weak-kneed, unable to hold his strong gaze for more than a brief second, Chizuru worried her lip to pieces and fought off the rising emotion weighing heavily in her chest. Why had it come to this - what had she done - why did he hate her so?

She assumed it had something to do with her waking up in his room - roused by his voice and Hijikata-san's stunned figure filling the doorway. The sight had stunned her into flustered panic and then what had followed, _Hijikata-san's face and questions_ - the very remembrance brought a definite burn to her face, deep mortification to drown her in depths of depression. Chizuru had half a thought that she should've said more, protested at being treated without respect - questioned on her virtue when there was no earthly reason for her to disclose it to the impersonal Hijikata-san.

But she had said nothing.

Fled enough after a brief snap of her senses.

She was afraid to offend him, lose the esteem of another precious person when it seemed she had done just that and lost Saito-san's quiet regard. _That pained her somewhat more than she realized_, pushing the coarse straw bristles across the engawa floor, leaves rustling and scattering with each motion.

It shouldn't have - her thoughts momentarily halted as a familiar tugging on her hair and shadow fell over her. "Okita-sa-a-an!" Chizuru wailed as the ribbon came loose and her hair spilled to her shoulders. "I just fixed it! Why'd you do that?"

"What can I say?" He shrugged, making sure to hold the item above her head. Adding with a cheeky wink, "you're just too cute with your hair down."

She pouted and averted her eyes, only for his teasing manner to stop and a light touch on her chin to lead her head around. "What's a matter, hmm?" They were in a more secluded area of the HQ, sounds of bustling late afternoon activity were faint. Once away from the bright sunshine, the pounding in her head lessened, Chizuru peered shyly up at the man as he leaned against the wall, slightly bowed so the difference in height was decreased. For once Okita's sharp green eyes weren't dancing with mirth and were all too-serious fixated on her face.

She slowly lifted her hand from her side and lightly pushed aside the hand that had lingered. Not one to easily give up, he instead clasped her shoulder when she tried to turn away to hide her expression. "Tell me." she stiffened slightly at the command, biting her lip nervously. Okita let out a soft huff of irritation, this time letting her face away from him.

"Shall I put it another way, Chizuru-chan? Are you confused about..._Toshi_?"

Her eyes widened.

He needed no further proof, continuing on in quieter tones. "Though, Toshizo hasn't said so himself, I can only assure you after being around him much longer than you, that he's sorry for what happened earlier." Okita hesitated, choosing his next words with care. She listened intently. "He just...doesn't know how to handle himself these days."

"B-but isn't that a bad thing?" she said, nearly stumbling over her words to get it out. Ahead of the engawa stretched in shadow-lit daylight, a less intimidating prospect than Okita's piercing eyes. "Only if he lets his actions concerning _you_ interfere with our duty to the Emperor." He said cryptically.

"But what have I to do with anything? Am I in everyone's way?" She felt something cold slither down her spine. Only to have him chuckle slightly deprecatingly, sobering with a softer, "no, no. You misunderstand."

She was growing steadily tired of his mysteries and only flat-out wished to be told plain and simple where she stood. Chizuru would never openly speak it to him, but let her annoyance show in her tone. "What do I?"

"_Everything_." Okita's hand lifted from her shoulder momentarily to be replaced by both threading through her long strands of hair. Surprised at the gesture, she stayed still, _refusing_ to blush this time.

"Tell me something, Chizuru-chan. If your father were found tomorrow exactly during Sano-kun's patrol, would you immediately leave without _regret_?"

She had not been expecting that. Had given it little thought in her months there. It was a given of course, her wish to find her father, her reason for coming to the capitol. It was only by chance that she and the Shinsengumi had crossed paths.

Chizuru knew inwardly - suddenly dry mouthed, that her time with them could...come to an end, like Okita-san said, by tomorrow's time. _Without regret..?_ Could she truly walk away without looking back-? She trembled a little, feeling the sorrow well up inside and looked straight ahead, pretending as though the familiar wooden floor were the most interesting thing in the world.

"Ne...don't be silly, Okita-san. O-of course I could."

Okita tugged sharply on her high newly fixed ponytail, garnering a jerk of pain and struggle. His tone lost some warmth, "liar. You're shaking plain as day."

"S-so what if I am?" Their hands remained touching. Her smaller ones over his larger ones, resting at the back of her head. "I-it doesn't do me any good." and to her surprise, _she was trembling_. Chizuru immediately endeavored to stop it, unwilling to show even an ounce of weakness to someone she respected.

"_Ah_."

She couldn't see the look in his eyes, but flinched nonetheless, recognizing the tone.

"It's not simply Toshizo..is it?"

Almost guiltily, her gaze tipped to the floor beneath them, very gently, ever so gently, he lead their twined palms down, one on either side, still captured so she couldn't make an easy escape. Almost sullenly, Chizuru whispered, "Saito-san...despises me. He turns away in disgust from me. Okita-san, I'm sorry for whatever it is that I've done to earn his abhorrence! I'm sorry and would gladly rectify it if only I knew how-!" gradually her voice had been rising with the tide of her emotions. This, the man behind her seeked to curb, shushing patiently and lightly squeezing her palms.

"Shhhh, Chizuru-chan. Hajime-kun doesn't hate you." _Judging by his frozen hell of a glare I'd say it's quite the opposite_, Okita thought, careful again in speaking. Deciding to toss some caution to the winds and simply plunge into it. "But besides that, are you ah - attracted to Hajime-kun in any way?"

"Wha-what kind of question is that?" she fairly cried, blushing full force now. She got the sense too late that it had only served to amuse him further as proved by held-in laughter. She could _hear_ it in his voice. "Nothing much other than a confirmation of my suspicions."

"You're mean, Okita-san."

"Heisuke-kun tells me that all the time."

She pouted in silence for several minutes, while he hummed thoughtfully, lightly under his breath.

"So, what will you do, Chizuru-chan?" He surprised her again, breaking the quiet that hadn't been unpleasant. She could not know, he was remembering very clearly being the recipient of glares from Hijikata Toshizo and - in recent memory, a few when he'd said a few - considered - inappropriate comments about the young girl before him; from Saito Hajime. Anyone else could've construed it as simple protectiveness stemming from a familial-complex.

_But in light of recent events_...

He was willing to _bet_ otherwise.

"There is nothing I can-"

He headed her off smoothly, squeezing her hands once last time before letting go. "You'd be surprised, Chizuru-chan, at what you can persuade. Of influence your presence alone strengthens. Hajime's a solitary sort...he doesn't let his emotions show much. Undoubtedly he's confused about things now, give him a little time-"

"A-are you sure he doesn't hate me?"

Her naivety was adorable.

"He would not have watched over you during the night, had he held any ill will toward you." Okita reasoned confidently. "_Oh_." She had not thought of that. Regretting her momentary lapse of judgment - weakness - in imbibing the strong spirits after being caught up in the occasion. _Had it been Saito-san that had carried her from the main room...?_ she colored at the thought, unable to produce any recollection other than hazy faces and the scent of alcohol - _and this morning and the opening door and Hijikata-san's face paling to shock then flushing crimson with anger_.

"But, remember, Chizuru-chan." Okita spoke again, capturing her attention. Composed better, she spun around, clasping her hands before her, only a lingering redness in her eyes telling of the tears she had shed.

"_Whomever_ you choose, I will always support your decision." The first part was so quiet, she barely caught it. Surprised but touched in the same breath, she brightened visibly. "Hai- I mean, _thank you_, Okita-san."

He smirked at seeing her smile return, adding a second later mischievously. "Ah, but you would miss me too, right, Chizuru-chan?"

Disclaimer: do not own HSK (puleeze, I can't even draw):

AN: (I know I'm going to find a mass of proofing errors later dammit . anyway. I like this as an alternate timeline, say set very early ssn.1 before episode.4.

No flames~!

Reviews loved


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